I feel for most people this is the most interesting part of our journey when we tell them that we will be using a surrogate. My hope in writing this part of our story is to help you guys understand how Brett and I are A-ok with another woman carrying our baby! Did i always think or know that’d wed be ok with it? Absolutely not! But when you start to learn the process and learn how strict the state of California is when it comes to using a surrogate it gives you some peace of mind. So here we go!
When we first started the IVF process (back in 2013) and told the doctors we would be using a surrogate they presented us with a list of agencies in Southern California. When we first got this list it was a bit overwhelming. But we thought no better time than the present, and we set up a few appts to meet with the top 3 agencies. We met with agencies 2 & 3 and, it wasn’t that we did not like them, but the way they conducted the process felt impersonal. We of course are not naive to the fact that there is a contract involved. But that contract is built to protect Brett and me, our future child, and the Surrogate. It does not mean it needs to feel like a business transaction. So we kept moving forward and met with the #1 agency and instantly knew this was the company for us! Carol was extremely personable and felt like a distant aunt. She explained how she herself had been a surrogate and knew her involvement in giving couples a family didn't end with her. She then started her company “Building Families, Inc,” (BFI) about 25 years ago and have given countless couples the families they have dreamt of.
What stood out the most to us at BFI was that we were to be “matched” with our surrogate. Learning that information was a big sigh of relief! Sometimes I cant even pick out what I want to wear. Although we would be matched with our surrogate it did not mean we had to choose who was suggested. We would review her profile, as she would ours, and then we both had to agree to want to enter into contract. It was a two way street! But before we even got to that point we learned a lot about surrogacy and how it works in California. California is the most sought out state when it comes to using a surrogate because there are no loopholes! For example, in California the surrogate has absolutely no rights to the intended parent’s (IP) child. That does not go for all states or countries!! Which means in other states and countries the surrogate could technically take the intended parents to court to keep there child or claim rights to the child. Cue anxiety!! Another loophole California has closed is when it comes to making decisions based on the health or livelihood of the baby while in womb. Unless the surrogate can be harmed, the surrogate has no say about the decision the IP’s make. It is important when you choose your surrogate that you have the same views. A few other things we learned is surrogates in California had to have already had a child so the doctors know the history of the first pregnancy. If a woman had a high risk pregnancy than “usually” they will not allow that woman to be a surrogate. (Depends on the company). We also learned that the income the surrogate gets while pregnant with the IP child cannot be their sole income. They have to be making a certain amount a year to qualify. There are so many things I can list but this is just to name a few of the larger topics that some people probably wonder about. I am sure more thoughts and questions are popping into your head, and we are happy to answer them best we can.
I would also like to note that this is what we have been told and have learned but everyone’s experiences may be different.
As I stated before, it is important to choose a surrogate who shares the same views as you and your significant other. When you begin the process of finding your surrogate you are asked a series of personal preferences so you can be matched accordingly. We knew we would be embarking on a year long journey with a complete stranger and seeing eye to eye on some tough topics was extremely important to Brett and me. We had a list of non negotiable things and prayed we would find a surrogate who agreed to them. So when BFI contacted us, a few weeks after we completed the profile and background appointments to be matched, saying they had a potential surrogate for us we were immediately excited and nervous at the same time. We sat down and reviewed her profile and quickly discovered that this woman seemed like our perfect match on paper. I myself am big on in person meetings and getting a chance to read someone and their mannerisms. So i was anxious to meet her and see if she matched how she was portrayed on paper. We responded saying we’d love to meet her and that was the beginning of the rest of our lives!
We met Jeri (our surrogate) for the first time over a very casual breakfast at the fine establishment of Mimi’s Cafe! At breakfast with us was Jeri, her husband and two representatives (Randi and Shannon) from BFI. Of course when you are going to meet a complete stranger for the first time who will potentially be caring your child, you're not sure exactly how the conversations will go. Well, don't fret! We had so many questions we could have had breakfast and lunch together! When we first sat down, after introductions, one of the first things Jeri commented on was that I shared a birthday with her grandfather who she was be extremely close with. Some of you may not know this about me but I am someone who reads into small signs and doesn’t take coincidences lightly. The more we chatted the more we realized the small “coincidences” and how we were getting along seamlessly. As we continued breakfast it felt like we were talking to a friend we hadn’t seen in a few months. Conversation flowed easily and we were quickly noticing that Jeri wasn’t only a good match on paper but in person as well. You could tell she was genuine and doing this for the right reasons. I had asked Jeri at one point “ why do you like/want to be a surrogate?” She responded with “ I have 2 sons of my own, my pregnancies were enjoyable and easy and I felt I wasn’t done being pregnant yet. I just didn't want anymore of my own. I have a friend who had done a few surrogate pregnancies so I asked her how it worked and knew immediately I was put on this earth to give families babies who couldn’t do it on their own.” Once she gave us that explanation and I could hear and see the sincerity of it we knew she was the one! She then proceeded to tell us that she is going back to school to become a nurse in hopes of working in either Labor and Delivery or possibly as an IVF nurse. She feels its her calling to work with families and future families.
So as we wrapped up breakfast I had already known without a doubt this woman was meant to be our surrogate! Before we even left the table I made a comment about feeling that way and everyone laughed and cried a little (well i did) and as soon as we had it in writing it was a done deal! So by the time we retuned home to San Diego emails had been exchanged and we were officially entering into a contract with our surrogate. OUR SURROGATE! To say those words felt so surreal. At times it felt like we would never get to this point. Brett and I went home that night and shared a few happy tears and prayed for the next steps to go smoothly. Although Jeri had been cleared by BFI she still had to be medically cleared by our IVF doctor. This next part took about 3 weeks. We ran into a few very minor hiccups, so by the time she was actually cleared it had been about 2 months. But we finally had a transfer date on the calendar and Brett and I were about to embark on one of the most exciting and nerve racking experiences of our lives. We had officially started the count to T-Day (transfer day) which was set to be November 15, 2018! We had about 3 weeks to go.
The longest 3 weeks of our lives had finally passed only to start the longest 10 days of our lives! November 15th was finally here and we couldn’t believe it. Only our parents knew the transfer was happening and this was probably one of the toughest secrets we have ever kept. We have been very open about our journey and when friends would ask us for updates I am sure they could see right through our avoidance of the topic. But I am sure that many of you could understand our reluctancy to tell too many people in the event the transfer was not successful. So early that November morning Brett and I called our parents, they wished us good luck, and we were off to watch our 5 day old embryo be transferred into our surrogate. And yes! You read that correctly, we actually got to watch the procedure on a TV. It was the quickest most miraculous thing we have ever experienced! Our embryo had now been implanted and we now waited ten days to see if it was successful. We walked out of the appointment that day with an ultrasound in hand and nothing but hope in our hearts!
Luckily that following week was Thanksgiving so we were distracted by travel and our families. I’ve never wanted a holiday to pass so quickly. Returning home that Sunday, November 25th, meant we would have the results of the transfer the next day. It was not until around 4pm on Monday when we got the news that has changed our lives forever!!! The transfer was successful and we were going to be parents! Jeri was the one who called and gave us the best news of our lives and that is something we will always remember. I think initially we were both in shock. Unfortunately, throughout this process there had been let downs, so as much as we were optimistic we were also prepared for bad news. So after about 30 min had passed we were in the kitchen and it really hit me and thats when the tears came! I looked at Brett and while we hugged I said “we need to go to Carters baby store to get onesies to announce to our parents”. We we ran all over town to find onesies that said “grandma” and “grandpa” and finally delivered the news that our parents were going to be grandparents. Cue round two of the water works.
The news was slowly sinking in that we were actually pregnant and going to be parents! The next 8 weeks were filled with excitement, anxiousness and pure joy. At week 6 we got to hear our baby’s heart beat for the first time! All you see on the screen is a small blip and a heart beat that is going 180 beats per minute. So amazing! That appointment was also significant because it told us the pregnancy was actually viable and the embryo was growing as it should. One week after that we got to see and hear our baby’s heart beat again. And then one more week after that we got to hear the sweetest sound again and also got the amazing news that Jeri had “graduated” from SDFC and would now see her OB. To say we were spoiled getting to see and hear our baby’s heart beat 3 weeks in a row is an understatement!
We were elated and now 8 weeks pregnant. Just 4 weeks left and we would be out of the first trimester. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t holding my breath through those first 12 weeks. I’m still holding my breath! Not being pregnant myself, we just have to have faith that everything is going ok. We had to have faith that Jeri would, and is, doing right by us and our child, and I can honestly say we have no doubts! I seriously felt like a broken record constantly asking Jeri how she felt and if she still felt pregnant? She of course has been amazing and responds to me immediately, putting my mind at ease. It’s an interesting feeling hoping someone is experiencing nausea and fatigue, but she understood that was our only way of knowing she was still pregnant. (Without doing an ultrasound every hour haha).
Now that Jeri had “graduated” from being monitored by our doctor at SDFC and would now be seen by her OB, this was great news and meant everything with the pregnancy was going well and baby was healthy. But we would now have to wait until week 20 for another ultrasound (around March 16th) when they do the anatomy scan! We can do it, we can do it! So in the meantime we have been in constant contact with Jeri and also had a blood test done called NIPT. This blood test tells us if there are any chromosome defects and can also tell you the gender! Just a few weeks ago on February 1st, we had an appointment with Jeri and were given the wonderful news that all the blood tests came back normal. We did also find out the gender but Brett and I decided to wait until the following weekend to have a meet and greet with Jeri and our parents and to do a gender reveal! LONGEST week ever!
This pretty much brings everyone up to speed! We are 15 weeks pregnant, and on February 9th found out we are having a baby GIRL! It is these parts of the pregnancy and experiences that seemed so unreachable at times. You see other people’s pictures or attend their events and feel nothing but longing to have that experience. Now here we are, and I can truly say it is something we will never take for granted. We are soaking up every minute we can and can’t believe how fast it is already going. If you are reading this and have had or are having these feelings please know you're not alone! There are probably more people in the world having the same feelings of longing than you realize. These feelings do not make you selfish or insensitive, you are human! Just have faith and know your journey will end up exactly the way it was suppose to, and hopefully you can find peace with that.
There has not been a day that has gone by that we haven’t acknowledged how blessed we are to be welcoming a baby girl in August. There are no words to express how much the support, love and encouragement has meant to us along the way. Without the support of our families and friends I do not know if we could have made it through this journey, just the two of us! We did get through it though and, with that being said I don’t know if I could have made it through this without my wonderful husband. His patience, love, and support was unlimited and continues to be. I cannot not wait to see Brett as a father and I have no doubt our little girl will have him wrapped around her finger!
I hope you have enjoyed reading about our journey as much I have writing it. When I first had the thought of writing about what we've gone through it was meant for you guys, the readers. But it ended up being so much more than that and almost therapeutic for me. So I want to say thank you! Thank you for taking the time to read this and giving me a reason to write it.